Saturday, June 5, 2010

WILMM: constant reassurance

Why I love my man reason number #17

He joined my dad and left me for our annual Memorial Day weekend camping trip. I joined them on Friday once I g0t out of work.

When I got home from work on Wednesday I found a note on top of my laptop.
"I love you so much. I couldn't forget about you my love. I cannot wait to see you!"

I smile when I read his note, he knows me so well. "I couldn't forget about you my love." It is this phrase above all others, this simple seven word sentence, that causes me to smile.

I constantly wonder why he loves me. Why, out of all the people there are to choose from, he chose me. I have this ridicules fear that someday he is going to be walking about his normal daily routine and it's going to hit him. I'm not that great. I look at the other girls who are smarter, wittier, more charming, prettier, more carefree and I worry. Worry that one of them will steal his heart away and I will be forgotten.

While this is my first "official" boyfriend my heart has been hurt and wounded and it has taken time, lots of it, to begin to seal the cracks that were formed. This fear of the unknown, of being left without warning, is a repercussion of that. And sweet boyfriend, who knows my story of hurt and sorrow, is gently teaching me to trust again. Sweet, innocent, pure, trust. Without it a relationship is nothing.

Most days my head and my heart communicate brilliantly and I know that what I have found is true love, the kind that is a conscious decision. But sometimes, on those rare days, my heart betrays what my head knows and what three years of dating has  been proven and I become anxious and worry about all of the horrible possibilities that are out there. Somehow he always seems to know when I am experiencing those days.

And so, on a day where I come home to an empty house and shed a tear because I miss his company and I know that it will be another two days before I truly get to spend quality time with him, that simple note stuck to my laptop makes me smile and gives me that extra reassurance I need.

I wonder if he will ever know how great of an impact that simple note had on me. I put the note in my drawer and smile. My head and my heart are again in agreement.

No comments:

Post a Comment